Interpersonal Conflict at Work
Everyone has to navigate interpersonal conflict in the workplace from time to time. While avoidance often seems the path of least resistance, it can lead to trouble in the future. Here are some useful tips for evaluating and dealing with problems between co-workers.
Identify
When dealing with uncomfortable situations in the workplace, we often disassociate from our emotions and try to focus on concrete facts. This is a mistake; strong emotions can distort our perceptions. Perception is subjective; two people may have significantly different memories of the same event. Identifying how you feel towards your co-worker can help you retain your objectivity during subsequent interactions.
How did you feel during your most recent conflict? What emotions do you generally feel around him or her? These emotions could include anger, impatience, frustration, or superiority. Frame these feelings in an “I” focused sentence. It’s useful to write them down.
Example: “When Tori talked over me in last week’s meeting, I felt angry and humiliated.” ” When I am around Tori, I feel defensive.”
Communicate
Now that you recognize how you feel when in conflict, consider ways to communicate your feelings. Again, always use “I” statements, especially when bringing up negative emotions.
“I felt frustrated when you talked over me in the meeting this morning” is far less volatile than “You were rude to talk over me in the meeting this morning.” The first statement states your emotion – which is not subject to debate. The second statement makes the assumption that the other person was aware of their behavior and places the responsibility on them. This is unwise for two reasons: 1) regardless of how you feel, you don’t actually know why the other person behaved the way they did, and 2) placing the responsibility for anticipating your emotions on another person is unlikely to create positive results for either of you. You must draw clear boundaries if you want to be treated in a positive manner.
Take Responsibility
It is difficult to know how to react when you perceive that someone is behaving negatively towards you. However, the most effective way to confront negative behaviors is in the moment, not later. It’s too easy for confrontation after the fact to devolve into finger pointing or disagreements over perception. Practice addressing conflict in the moment by re-writing past events that you found difficult.
Situation:
Tori talked over me in a staff meeting.
Emotion:
I felt frustrated and angry.
Reaction:
I didn’t say anything.
Alternate Reaction:
I could have waited until she finished speaking and said, “Tori, I would like to finish what I was saying now.” If she persisted in interrupting me, I could say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me finish. I have a valuable contribution to make to this conversation, and I would like you to let me finish.”
Interpersonal conflict that is not dealt with openly can lead to decreased morale and productivity, gossip and cliques, and attrition. By dealing with conflict directly, openly, and immediately, you improve the over all functionality of your team.
If you’re interested in reading more about emotions in the workplace, I highly recommend Daniel Goleman’s Working with Emotional Intelligence.